All My Divorces

Divorce has always been my unwanted companion even before I experienced one for myself.  My mom and dad divorced when I was four and all my grandparents were divorced from one another too.  My mom went on to have two more divorces after my dad, before I even hit my thirties.

I was pretty much puttering in line with this pattern before Jesus interrupted.

God reached down and saved me when I was twenty-two years old, or maybe that’s when I answered his call.  Regardless, by that time, I was five months pregnant and married to a physically abusive man who desired to be the neighborhood drug dealer.  Suffice it to say I was divorced before our only son became a toddler.

So there I was, a freshly divorced baby Christian.  The “divorce” label in a church community definitely felt bad enough, but I also had a beast named CONDEMNATION following me wherever I went.  I didn’t really need the the judgement of people because I was my most severe judge already.

The Holy Spirit and other believers placed in my life interrupted my tormented mind and helped me to cripple this condemnation beast.  It would literally take four more blogs to explain how this beast was crippled in my life, and one day I hope to write an entire book dedicated to the subject, but for now I will share just one incident.

I decided to go up to the mountain to pray.  Just me, my bible, and a pen to hopefully rid myself of this beast for good.  When I got to my spot I stayed in the car because it was freezing.  I sensed God’s incredible power as the wind whipped.  The mountains were so big, and I was so small. It was then that I heard that still small voice as clear as day, “Mark 3”.  I know the word pretty well but I was not sure what was in Mark 3 exactly.  I read it diligently. I admit I questioned if I heard The Lord correctly since what I was reading wasn’t making sense for my immediate need.  But than verse 28 and 29 hit me upside the head. God spoke powerfully to me that day.

²⁸ “Assuredly, I say to you, ALL sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may utter; ²⁹ but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation”— 

That verse did for me what all the scriptures on divorce couldn’t.  That one verse put divorce in its place. Divorce was sin. And divorce was not even the unforgivable sin!  There are many sins in this life we can involve ourselves in but according to Mark 3:28 they ALL CAN be forgiven.  I know I did not blaspheme the Holy Spirit because I still desire God. I desire to walk with him and obey him.  I desire to love him.

I would love to say condemnation went out of my life for good at this point but that would be a lie. Satan was still telling me that I was a second rate Christian, that God tolerates me, that my second marriage was illegitimate. I still struggled with these thoughts mentally for a few years until the Lord delivered me of it for good in a prayer meeting.

I was not present at the cross to see Jesus crucified.  I believe this by faith. I did not see Noah’s ark or the world wide flood. I just have faith that it was.  I have faith that at the moment of my death I will be carried to heaven and not deposited into hell because I believe in what Christ did for me on the cross. So I must have faith that Jesus covers me like a clean white robe of righteousness. I must believe that Satan desires to keep me depressed and ineffective so I cannot tell others about the freedom in Christ… that in Jesus Christ, condemnation is a lie!

Words from a bestie: “You can’t understand why Christ has forgiven you because you don’t deserve it. But no one deserves it.  That’s why GRACE angers so many religious and pride-filled people. They can’t earn it.”

Have you struggled with this condemnation and/or divorce beast? What has helped you? Do share.

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce Is Violence

I don’t get envious over the things people are supposed to be envious about. There are some people that have nice homes, great jobs, popularity, beautiful faces and bodies. I am happy for them. I do not wish what they had was mine. I can easily look at my own life and see where I have been blessed and I am thankful.

But there are those moments that I see certain lives and I realize envy is an emotion in my life. These lives can be on TV, an acquaintance, or maybe someone I know. In today’s American culture these lives are few and far between so to be honest, most of what I have envied I have seen on reality TV.

Family.Yes. In tact, non-divorced, multiple-sibling, multiple-generation families.

Let’s take Duck Dynasty. (I do not know them personally, and since there is sin in every person, it is safe to say they have their problems) When the patriarch of that family, Phil,  gave his life to Christ at 28 and got clean, his wife Kay rejoiced. She probably spent several years as a loving mediator between their children and their dad before his heart conversion. They did not divorce. Phil and Kay are now enjoying four boys that serve the Lord, God fearing submissive wives their boys married, and all their grandchildren. I looked at a picture of one of their grandchildren, River, and I could almost feel the love of God radiating off the face of this smiling little boy! And happy for them? Yes. Yes. I am so happy for them. Do I wish I had that too? Yes, I do.

Phil & Kay

This family has Jesus. They are not judgmental religious people, but earnestly love the Lord. And in some interviews they expressed Duck Dynasty as a way to show a traditional family to an increasingly God-hating society. America is a ship going the wrong way and Phil sees DD as a small current nudging the beautiful ship to turn back around.

I still wish my parents were married. Or even wish my mom was still married to my step dad. I wish my parents had had more siblings. I wish my only uncle and only brother weren’t dysfunctional alcoholics. I wish I had met Jesus earlier in my life and had not been a drug addict that married an abusive addict. There Lord….there it all is. My broken world.

The pain will get so intense, but than something good happens. I have been given this something good by God and it is what makes me resilient. It protects me and tells me by divine order that I was meant to live this life I’m living. It stops me from saying, “why me?” and instead has me saying, “why not me?” This something is Faith.

Faith is just the umbrella gift I have been given but there are many gifts that shower down from heaven to help me be an over comer in this life. It may be a verse, the voice of the holy spirit, or even a rare blue cardinal flying by because the Lord knew I wanted to see one. One day a particular gift hit me like a ton of bricks. I was given some scripture that I have read dozens of times before, but that day it gripped my entire being.

Matthew 10:37-39 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

There were many times I could have finagled, in my own strength, the things I think I wanted to make me happy. I could have set up things in my life to crowd out the pain of me being an only child because my brother was an addict or my son being an only child and fatherless for nine years. But I got to a point that I allowed the little “mustard seed faith” to control my life. And for a long time it seemed to just be a quiet seed stuck in the dirt. And those times where I doubted, or sinned, or was betrayed by dear ones; I still believed.

I have seen God do some restoration for me in this area of a family. But as I have watched my life play out and as i read scripture I am not holding onto this dream as tightly as I once did. I’m letting it go one experience, one day at a time. I am clay in the hands of the potter. I am not supposed to tell the potter what to do with me. I release the right to tell the potter he should have made me a Christian earlier so there is a better chance I wouldn’t have had to experience divorce. I release the potter from many things I held against him…one day at a time.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things yet unseen! I have faith that in heaven I will be completely satisfied. This satisfaction will last forever and not be temporary, and threatened, and infected with sin.

Those families here on earth, still intact, I am so blessed by. My little family, a picture of restoration.

Little lights in a sea of darkness.

A goodness from God in a land swayed by the wicked one.

Time ticking away, quickly.